You are so incredibly strong and brave and I hope you wake up and know that every single day. I'm so glad you're here I'm so glad you're still fighting and you're such an inspiration in so many ways. I hope you know you're already a lighthouse <3
Eli, thank you for this. I've loved someone living with DID before and I've seen firsthand how difficult it can be to manage but also how beautiful it is to know the lengths we'll go to in order to protect ourselves and fight to keep living. You write about it all with a wisdom far beyond your years, but most importantly with heart. You've shared something beautiful and vulnerable, I hope you're proud of it.
James, thank you so much for sharing that with me/us. It's so encouraging to hear stories about other systems, and it's comforting to know that there are kind folks like you out there who make the world a safer place for people like us. Thank you times a million <3
beautiful. i resonate with a lot of this. i have so much lost time and no understanding for why i can’t remember so much of my life. can i ask— have you been able to access the harder memories over time? what helped you do that?
Oh boy, this is a big question. Apologies in advance for the lengthy answer.
In my case, the memory loss is specific to our development of DID, which is effectively the brain distributing different memories to different members of the system both for the purpose of allowing us to "store" them safely and to keep them away from *me.* I'm the host of our system (the person who's out/conscious/in the body most often), so our brain's goal is to keep me in the dark as much as possible. Others in the system are aware of this and generally don't share things I haven't yet recovered on my own in therapy (assuming they're not also unaware of it). For folks with DID, it's usually best practice not to go digging for memories because we don't remember for a reason. That's why we have DID, so it's safer to wait until they come back naturally - if they come back at all. Some memories may not, and there's not much we can do about that.
Memories that have come to light did so after many months of therapy and increasing system communication. I'm not sure how this would translate for someone without DID (i.e. in people who would only be communicating with themselves vs. headmates). Unfortunately, my advice would mostly be specific to DID systems, so I don't know that it would be super useful here. What I will say, though, is that the process is made much, much easier (and sometimes safer) with a good therapist. If therapy isn't accessible to you (or just not something you want right now), my only other advice would be to take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Untangling traumatic memories, dissociation, and amnesia can be a Herculean task. It's okay if it takes a lot of time and effort.
I don't know if this is helpful or just a lot of rambling, but feel free to reach out if you ever want or need. <3
Eli my goodness!!! First of all, I am SO humbled and chuffed you mentioned me (especially following beautiful writing). Really, I am so grateful! Thank you.
Secondly, as someone who recently hurtled down the barrel of diagnosis after much avoidance and denial, I really fucking feel you. Thank you for sharing you and your system's story. Vulnerability is a strength and a superpower. I truly look forward to reading more and supporting your journey<3
Denial is a hell of a hurdle to overcome. Sending you so much love and encouragement for wherever your diagnosis takes you. Thank you so much for being here <3
I can’t really begin to image how much it took to write this out and share it, but I hope you know how much your writing means. you’re a gift to this world, I hope you always remember that
Thank you for this beautiful and vulnerable piece. I may have said this before of your writing, but it's still true: this is urgent and necessary work.
I'm so thankful to know you and to have the chance to share ideas with you, Rachel. Hilariously, this is actually why I waited to dive into systems theory with you; obviously it's a different context, but I thought it would be funny, once you were aware of our DID, to message you and say, "Hey, so, about that *systems* thing..." :)
You are so incredibly strong and brave and I hope you wake up and know that every single day. I'm so glad you're here I'm so glad you're still fighting and you're such an inspiration in so many ways. I hope you know you're already a lighthouse <3
This is gonna make me cry :,) you are so sweet. Thank you for always being so encouraging and kind.
Eli, thank you for this. I've loved someone living with DID before and I've seen firsthand how difficult it can be to manage but also how beautiful it is to know the lengths we'll go to in order to protect ourselves and fight to keep living. You write about it all with a wisdom far beyond your years, but most importantly with heart. You've shared something beautiful and vulnerable, I hope you're proud of it.
James, thank you so much for sharing that with me/us. It's so encouraging to hear stories about other systems, and it's comforting to know that there are kind folks like you out there who make the world a safer place for people like us. Thank you times a million <3
beautiful. i resonate with a lot of this. i have so much lost time and no understanding for why i can’t remember so much of my life. can i ask— have you been able to access the harder memories over time? what helped you do that?
Oh boy, this is a big question. Apologies in advance for the lengthy answer.
In my case, the memory loss is specific to our development of DID, which is effectively the brain distributing different memories to different members of the system both for the purpose of allowing us to "store" them safely and to keep them away from *me.* I'm the host of our system (the person who's out/conscious/in the body most often), so our brain's goal is to keep me in the dark as much as possible. Others in the system are aware of this and generally don't share things I haven't yet recovered on my own in therapy (assuming they're not also unaware of it). For folks with DID, it's usually best practice not to go digging for memories because we don't remember for a reason. That's why we have DID, so it's safer to wait until they come back naturally - if they come back at all. Some memories may not, and there's not much we can do about that.
Memories that have come to light did so after many months of therapy and increasing system communication. I'm not sure how this would translate for someone without DID (i.e. in people who would only be communicating with themselves vs. headmates). Unfortunately, my advice would mostly be specific to DID systems, so I don't know that it would be super useful here. What I will say, though, is that the process is made much, much easier (and sometimes safer) with a good therapist. If therapy isn't accessible to you (or just not something you want right now), my only other advice would be to take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Untangling traumatic memories, dissociation, and amnesia can be a Herculean task. It's okay if it takes a lot of time and effort.
I don't know if this is helpful or just a lot of rambling, but feel free to reach out if you ever want or need. <3
appreciate this <3 i’m curious about the specific therapy tactics for uncovering memory. i’ll private message you.
Eli my goodness!!! First of all, I am SO humbled and chuffed you mentioned me (especially following beautiful writing). Really, I am so grateful! Thank you.
Secondly, as someone who recently hurtled down the barrel of diagnosis after much avoidance and denial, I really fucking feel you. Thank you for sharing you and your system's story. Vulnerability is a strength and a superpower. I truly look forward to reading more and supporting your journey<3
Denial is a hell of a hurdle to overcome. Sending you so much love and encouragement for wherever your diagnosis takes you. Thank you so much for being here <3
I can’t really begin to image how much it took to write this out and share it, but I hope you know how much your writing means. you’re a gift to this world, I hope you always remember that
Thank you so much, Hannah :,) your kindness is always a light in the dark, truly
Thank you for this beautiful and vulnerable piece. I may have said this before of your writing, but it's still true: this is urgent and necessary work.
I'm so thankful to know you and to have the chance to share ideas with you, Rachel. Hilariously, this is actually why I waited to dive into systems theory with you; obviously it's a different context, but I thought it would be funny, once you were aware of our DID, to message you and say, "Hey, so, about that *systems* thing..." :)